My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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