Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
where are you?
Hypothermia
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
