Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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