I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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