dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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