something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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