My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
NoShamevember. You game?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
