And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
