Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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