I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You were trust falling into bushes
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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