I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
