i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
