i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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