looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
