so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
