Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize