Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
