Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
