I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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