so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I'm really busy with my period
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