woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
