there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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