We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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