I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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