Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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