Where did you get a picture of my penis
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
