"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
