Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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