We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
