ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
