I wish my penis had an off switch
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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