just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
