did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
