I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize