i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
