i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
