It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
