He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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