Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
