nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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