I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
