And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
