Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
