goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
