i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
