can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
