I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
