i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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