i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
