dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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