Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
