My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
