i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
