R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
